Transformations

Thème du jour: the allure and terror of transformation. I use the term "du jour" in a scandalously broad sense, for in fact the topic has been a major player throughout my life thus far but more so in the last three years, give or take.

I seem to have spent more of my life exercising my transforming abilities than most. Role-playing games were  a staple of my younger brother David's and my seemingly endless afternoon hours, in our earlier childhood. And what roles they were! Larger than life, fantastic characters, donned with the earnestness and attention to detail that only children can muster and which the most gifted actors spend their entire existence striving to recapture. Later I remember discovering my capacity to simultaneously be the character while also consciously being my own spectator, a mesmerizing state to be in. This gradually became second nature to me, as I went from dancer to actress, to singer and performer. But these are, at the end of the day, just "games", right? Roles, played. Right?

Right. Until one day I caught one of these characters red-handed as it had insinuated itself in my "real" life. I happened to listen to a message I left on a friend's answering machine (remember those?) in the character's voice! I was shocked. I very soon decided that I couldn't be whatever character I was portraying at any given instance, 24/7. I felt that in doing so, I was running the serious peril of losing sight of the "real I", which after all was fuelling all these characters. So the character got neatly put away at the end of a rehearsal or performance, along with its costume, until our next encounter, at the next rehearsal or performance, and this has served me well.

Characters being what they are, imaginary persons in imaginary extraordinary situations (ordinary situations are notoriously bland when placed on a stage or screen), they tend to be wildly alluring but also in a sense frightening, if for no other reason than their intensity. Real life is by comparison tame and safe, like a cocoon. 

What of this tame, safe, spectator self? Is it a constant? 

Are we meant to exit this world (stage left) in the exact same state we entered it? No drama, no journey? No transformation? I should certainly hope not. Seems like an awful waste of life, to me.

And yet, how terrifying the prospect of change! For even in the will to change lies the tacit acknowledgement of our inadequacies. Even as we profess, in that endless esoteric debate (it's not just me, is it?) wanting to be "more this" or "less that", a part of us is also resisting these very desires because they are an admission of "not being enough this" and "being too much of that" while still strutting our stuff, thinking we're the swankiest thing to have graced this planet since the demise of the Rat Pack. So much for the tameness and safety of "real life". 

Change is frightening in that it will inevitably cause us to part ways with what is familiar. Old slippers may be tatty and coffee-stained and we wouldn't want to wear them on a hot date, but -boy!- are they comfy! But the real terror hasn't hit yet. Guess what? Change is inevitable. Everything, everything, changes constantly and we change right along with it all. You can't step into the same river twice (thanks for making my day, Heraclitus, I love you too!).

To make matters worse still, it would appear that this flux has been, gently at first, more forcibly later, accelerating. The river is no longer the lazy lazy river by the old mill run, and even the most nonchalant glance out the port-hole will tell you we're headed for the rapids. 

It transpires (and Charles, I know you're going to love this!) that a call for transformation is imminent. "Change or perish" roars the waterfall and the latter is rather the type of transformation that I, for one, would just as soon pass on.

Thus far, what was thought to be safe & comfy proved to be more hazardous than waltzing through a Cambodian mine field in floppy old slippers and Change went from being a half-assed New Year's Resolutions list first, to being an inevitable evil  not unlike the sagging of breasts and the recession of hairlines and then, in a truly majestic coup de théâtre, to being a no-nonsense, wake-up-and-smell-the-coffee necessity.

There you have it, and it's quite the challenge.

Change doesn't look half bad now, does it. And so the idea is finally dawning that transformation might actually be a pretty nifty thing. 

I am now again reminded of Peter Economidis' invitation to imagine the future, secure in the knowledge that we have the power to. Collectively and individually. It may well take a leap of faith, but it seems clear that leap we must. Leap I must. 

And leap I damn well will!

Frankly, the cocoon hasn't been a safe harbour in a very long time. Just a sad dark cramped closet. So I guess this would be a good time to remember my dancing days and my role-playing skills to jump-start myself and emerge a splendid, alluring, shimmering creature, in risky but sexy Manolos (no less!).

Eight days shy of my 44th birthday, I stand here today, stretching out my mind, flexing my heart and my unfolding wings to embrace a life-saving transformation with all the tightness of focus that my 7-year-old self once displayed so effortlessly.

Next trick will be to keep from getting pinned down.

Growing Pains

Από μια πολύ σύντομη κουβέντα με αγαπημένο φίλο σήμερα, θυμήθηκα ένα κειμενάκι που έγραψα πέρσι, μονοκοπανιά ένα βράδυ. Πέρα απ το ανεκδοτολογικό του πράγματος, συνδέεται με την επίγνωση (ή μη) με την οποία εξελισσόμαστε, με το αν επιλέγουμε να προχωράμε και με ποιό τρόπο.

Καλή σας νύχτα!

Growing Pains (yes, still!)

Athens, April, 2010

When I was a very young girl, working with dogged determination and militaristic self-dicipline towards becoming a ballerina, with my head and heart filled with dreams of tutus and pointes and bright lights and Tchaikovsky and my leotard soaked through and through and my hands sticky with resin powder, a very well-respected teacher and examiner came to Athens from RAD HQ in London, for a series of seminars that would culminate in a public performance: Danielle Taylor.

From the second day of classes onwards, I remember returning to my mother's arms exhausted and in tears. Miss Taylor had honed her attentions on me and bore down on me with all the charm of a drill sergeant. Why? Why me? What had I done wrong? Why did she hate me so??? One day I was in the show with a solo (no less), the next told to pack my tights and go. This went on for a week, and I was on the brink of a breakdown. I was seething. I was angry and bruised, in more ways than one. The self-pity was delectable. After all... I *was* one of my teacher's star students. I had passed all my exams to date with no less than "Highly Commended", but more often with "Honours". What did the Wicked Witch Of The West want with me???

I just didn't get it.

Furthermore, I couldn't believe that my adoring mother let this gross injustice unfold without so much as a protest. Finally, two days prior to the performance (my place in it was -yet again- uncertain), I'd had enough. I returned home in an absolutely vitriolic mood, declared that first thing next day I was going to quit the bloody show all together and unleashed all of my bitterness on the only person in the Universe who would carry on loving me, no matter what: my mother.

After my wrath was spent and I was sobbing in her embrace she very VERY gently said to me:

"Let me ask you something. Miss Taylor flew here all the way from London and has more than 200 girls in her tutelage. She doesn't know you, and once she is gone, the two of you will probably never meet again. But she has devoted so much of her attention and energy to you. Why do you think that is?"

What was she driving at? Where was the line connectiong the dots? I was baffled.

"Teachers like Miss Taylor only give their time to those that show the most promise. She works you so hard because she believes you are worth it. Really, it is a great honour. Now... sleep on it and tomorrow you can decide whether you still want to quit the show. Assuming Miss Taylor decides to keep you in it, that is."

All this happened a good 30 years ago.

It has become abundantly clear that in the more than 16 years of performing to date, I went pretty much unquestioned. I was allowed to rely on my abilities, such as they were, unchallenged and unquestionned. Never pushed to evolve, never encouraged to better myself, never given the time and effort. After all, the "job" got done, didn't it? How sordid. Because, you see, this is not a "job". It goes to the very core of who I am.

Assuming that at age 12 I didn't know any better, now aged 42, I would certainly hope that I *do*.

Recently I have found myself in a situation that has recalled these long-faded memories. The circumstances are other, the relationship different. No yelling, no tantrums. Well, not so far (LOL)

... and yet!

My dismay lasted all of 2 minutes. Thanks to the combined efforts of Miss Taylor and my very wise mom back then, that's how long it took me to realize what I'm being offered now: An invaluable opportunity to concentrate on what's really important. To learn. To dare to strive to be all that I can be. To go beyond what comes easy, to unlearn the bad habits I picked up along the way in order to deal with the less than encouraging status quo of my chosen craft, through which I had forged a path in near-utter solitude.

Some would say that an old dog doesn't learn new tricks. To them I have only this to say: I am not a dog, I'm not old and I'm not interested in learning tricks. Furthermore, and at the risk of being labeled a conceited cow: I'm not a peddlar, I'm an artist. I have shied from this long enough, time to Face The Music And Dance.

To the person who gave me this blessed wake-up call, and you know who you are, I can only say this: thank you. For deeming me worthy, for your precious time and effort, for caring, for reminding me what it's all about and for pulling the train, side by side. It is nothing less than a perfect gift, an honour to which I am but happy to gratefully respond by submitting my obligation and promise to do my level best.

To all concerned: Flock to those who make things tough on you. Those who make it easy do so by indifference.

And now, if I might be excused, I must get back to my work. What joy!!

PS: I did perform in that show. Miss Taylor hugged me after, with tears in her eyes. I never became a dancer. I did become an actress and a singer. One day soon, I'll be a musician. I suspect mom is smiling.