Friday, 6 January 2012

Being Alive (Happy New Year!)

The magnificent rear end of the year most recently shown out the door thought it appropriate to leave a lasting impression on my psyche's retina. Had I been paying closer attention (instead of vaguely musing on the trivia of everyday blah) I'd like to think that I would have read the unmistakeable message of her lilting sashay, of the cryptic smile thrown in my direction over her weathered shoulder: "Brace yourself, lass! Things are about to get interesting."

She may have been a tramp, but true to form and despite her unnerving knack for understatement, she was no liar.

Certainly, I have had momentous encounters & have made life-changing choices in the past but never before did the realization of them hit me so swiftly. What followed was nothing less than breathtaking and I found myself 
being simultaneously swept by this electrifying sequence of events, thoughts & feelings and observing myself undergo this experience, as the mesmerized viewer of a high-end drama. 

I have been struggling for days to make sense of the upheaval that my encounter with you brought about. Had I been asked a few short weeks ago if I thought it a plausible string of events I most likely would have cracked a bitter-sweet smile that said "I should be so lucky". [And you would have dismissed the line with a quick "I don't believe in luck".]

I have no trouble remembering that first exchange almost verbatim, so profound an impact did it pack for me --- Why? It probably boils down to who & "where" we were at, of course. Also, I can no longer pretend to ignore the state of waiting I was in --- bursting at the seams (as you were very swift to read) with longing, my restlessness living just "under my skin".

Yearning for my focus to be pulled, to be engaged in a conversation that communicated something true, something of substance ---- finally to touch and be touched. And I did. And I was.

I now find myself wondering if I still have it in me to wait this out, as I have done in the past, earning myself the handle of "long distance runner". No longer in my first youth, do I have one last Marathon in me?

Even as I am writing this, another realization: in truth, there is no appropriate course of action to take, no choice to make, no right and no wrong to be done, for this is greater than both you and I.

I am reminded of that jewel of a scene in Casino Royale, when Woody Allen's character, Jimmy Bond is reluctantly led before an execution squad, breaking free over a wall defiantly shouting "so long, suckers!" only to land on the other side, at the feet of a prisoner as another squad opens fire.

To do this or that, now strikes me as futile as raising my forearms to protect myself from flying bullets or popping open my pink parasol against a tidal wave.

Therefore, be welcome, Wave!

You are, beyond the shadow of a doubt, the most annoying man to have crossed my path. You challenge me and arouse me. You hold me too close and you ruin my sleep. And as the brilliant Mr. Sondheim points out, you make me aware of being alive.

As we inescapably converge, I have but one more thing to say to you:

Thank you.

I love you.

Ok, so that's two things. So sue me!

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